First it was the librarians, then the geeks – so now we wait patiently for our number to be called. We must be next. There really isn’t anyone else more deserving than us. If you can think of anyone more entitled to an image overhaul than the cat ladies of this world, please, speak up, because try as I might I just can’t. So, we all agree then, from here on out, cat ladies will no longer have the prefix ‘crazy’, but ‘sexy’. Sexy cat ladies. Try it, say it out loud, see how it feels coming out your mouth, because from now on, that’s the meme.
I haven’t entered a library since my uni days and I have to say not once did I see a form-fitting pencil skirt wiggle its way down the periodicals isle. Not once, underneath a severe bun and cats-eye glasses did I see a twinkle in the eye, or flawlessly applied lipstick. Never did I spy an ample bosom aching to burst forth from a tight sweater. So why should it be that I cop more flack for owning felines than I would if I admitted I tended books for a living. Most librarians I saw happened to be male – wearing jeans and a t-shirt or some derivative there of. Outside of queer-cinema, I doubt any library-goers were keen for them to don tight skirts and blouses coupled with a suggestive smile and a wink. No, librarians aren’t sexy; they are just people who work in a library. And as an aside – they always seem a bit angry. I mean I know I ask stupid questions and put shit back in the wrong place, but chill, people think you’re sexy – and you can take that to the bank.
Geeks. To be honest, I blame ‘Big Bang Theory’, no, BBT wasn’t the catalyst for the geek-sexiness revolution, but it certainly bloody cemented it. And I agree, intelligence is sexy and should be lauded – not more, but at least as much as entertainment and sporting accomplishments. Also, I will concede that geeks have had a far worse run than the cat ladies of the world. Getting bullied, stuffed in lockers, having their lunch money stolen and any other stereotypical teen movie bullying tactic you can think of. But once they leave high school, they’re golden. It’s awesome to do well in college – that’s the entire point. And once you enter the job market, look out! For the rest of your life you are the smartest person in the room, people flock to that shit my friend.
Cat ladies have the opposite life trajectory of geeks. You can’t be a teenager and a cat lady. You just can’t – I don’t know why, physics or something. Even if you grew up in a house with 50 cats, your mom was the cat lady not you. So unlike the geeks, your teenage years were safe, it’s once you leave home, then any cats acquired go on you cat lady tab my friend.
So now you’re wondering if you’re a cat lady. Well I have devised a fool proof equation to help you solve this riddle of all riddles.
First, take the amount of people in your household (in my case, 2), then minus the amount of cats you own (3). If you end up with a negative number congratulations, your a cat lady, for those of you with a positive number, phew – your safe. For now…
I came to this conclusion when I rescued my most recent cat. All of a sudden, by virtue of going from 2 cats to 3, I was being called ‘the crazy cat lady’. My craziness levels have remained stable for the last few months so the only conclusion I could draw for the addition of the word crazy to my title was that my house now tipped the scales from humans to cats, in their favour.
This is why I propose we ‘crazy cat ladies’ of the world need an image makeover. Sure we may usually be covered in cat hair, and have photos of our cats as the screen background on our phone, computer, iPad etc. But we are: loving; like lying in bed (with our cats); and have developed a will of iron when dealing with the excrement of others. Shouldn’t that at least be worth a dash of lipstick, a low cut top, and porn – mountains of porn featuring sexy cat ladies being worshipped and fucked amid a see of cat toys and scratching posts?
Well I for one think so, and if you ask me, it’s about damn time.