Teabagging

The tea industry has me over a barrel.  And I do, I believe them everytime.  I can’t leave a health store, supermarket, department store, or market with out a newly purchased brew about my person.  You might be fooled into thinking I like tea, but actually I don’t.  I don’t hate it, I’ll have a cuppa every now and then, but 10 times out of 10 i’ll go for a Twinnings English Breakfast over any of the cure-all leaves stacked in my pantry.

I want to like tea.  Really I do.  I want to be one of those women who come to work armed with an infuser and a twee Tupperware container of some mysterious blend.  But I’m not.  I’d rather drink instant coffee – and I do.  So why do I keep buying it if I know I won’t drink it.  Honestly, its an appearances thing.  No really, it is.  I like to be seen buying tea.  I like to offer people an abundance of tea choices on their arrival at my house.  I have spent hundreds of dollars on not only tea, but tea paraphenalia.  Tea pots, tea cozies, tea spoons, tea cups, tea infusers, tea trays.  All of it in some vain attempt to trick people into thinking I like tea.  When really I am most happy with a cup of instant coffee in a mug I got for free from Kodak.  I don’t even think Kodak are in business anymore – but my mug is.

I just did a quick tally of what lay in my pantry.  Fifteen individual teas.  All with different flavours, medicinal values, strengths and strains.  All of which have on average 2-3 teabags missing or the equivalent for loose leaf.  It is an enormous waste of money for some vanity project which I don’t even care about.  The whole thing is utterly propostrous.  I mean who cares who buys what hot beverage?  I couldn’t find a fuck to give over what is in my fellow shoppers basket – even if you showed me the way.  Truth is, I didn’t even realise I had a problem until my boyfriend had to drag me away from the tea section in the supermarket a few weeks ago.  “No more tea,”  he said, “Not until you finish whats in the pantry.”  Crestfallen, I walked away, I knew he was right.  Why did I let it get to this point I wondered?  Why did I put so much value in liking tea?

White bitches.  White bitches love tea.  Now to be clear, I am also a white bitch, and we have already established that I don’t like tea.  I was forcing it upon myself in order to perpetuate some delusion that tea is posh, and if I am to be posh, I must like tea.  Otherwise, what am I – just another pepsi-swilling bogan?  Why yes, yes I am.  Also, healthy people like tea.  If healthy living bloggers are to be believed green tea is the shit!  Its not, it tastes like what I imagine the water in an aquarium tastes like.  Not good.  Yet they love it, they guzzle it down like they are putting outsome sort of a gastrointestinal fire.  Have you ever told a green tea drinker that you drink black tea?  The horror that crosses their face is akin to looks young Republican’s must get when they out themselves to friends a family.

Yes.  Over tea.

This is apparently the world I’m aching to be apart of.  Fucking tea snobs.

*Off to go make an instant coffee – with full cream milk (take that tea bitches)*

Apologies to anyone who came here under false ‘teabagging’ promises.  Same goes for the person who googled ‘sexy lady’ and ended up here to see only a wall o’ text on a stark white background.  Not exactly the things boners are made of.

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6 thoughts on “Teabagging

  1. I’m a coffee whore and I’m not ashamed to show it except of course when I go to my Britsh friend’s house and then I switch my alliance to tea. The truth is I love my coffee and yet in my industry, it’s frowned upon. I’m a lawyer and staying up late and working long hours is the name of the game. Yet whenever I go for another cup of coffee, I get looks as though I am a cocaine addict going for another fix. For some reason, in my law firm, everyone goes for tea (or alternatively decaf tea) and stays awake on willpower alone.

    • Ahh, the instant coffee shame – I know it well. I used to be a shift worker and obviously needed the energy hit to stay awake. Most people did. But the amount of people who only drank ‘bought’ coffee was staggering. I don’t mind getting in a coffee run myself, but I’m not going to drop $15 a night on my fix. Instant all the way. Might have a cup now.

      Also, decaf tea, WTF!? Perhaps they were doing crack to stay awake and didn’t need the extra buzz.

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