Pre-marital Ex

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today before these friends and family, to join together this man and this woman in Matrimony…”

The celebrant trails off as he is handed a note.

“Ah,’ he says,

“This man – apparently he used to be’, he consults the note quickly, “YOUR MAN,” he booms.

Murmurs from the gathered crowd begin to swirl as people swivel this way and that in their seats trying to follow the celebrant’s line of sight to see who he must be talking about.  The celebrant continues:

“According to this you two were quite happy.  Although you never did discuss marriage, it was where you both thought you were headed.  It was.  It says it all here.”  He says as he happily waves the note around like a flag.  Meanwhile the murmurs are now raised to blatant talking amongst different groups of guests.  Even though you redden like a lobster dunked into a boiling pot, the celebrant appears not to notice, or care for that matter, and presses on…

“Hmm, says here you were together for a while, lived together too it seems.  You loved him, and he loved you.  Oh and you even got a puppy together, tell me you didn’t get a puppy?”  He looks up at you seemingly expecting a contradiction or answer to what he just said, but you have no answers to give.  It’s all true, and right now you wish you were that lobster and that someone would put you out of your misery.

Everyone has that ex.  I’m not talking about any old ex you drag up from the proverbial back-of-the-closet that is your dating past, no, I mean that ex.  You know which ex I am talking about, I know you do.  That one who at the mere thought of makes your eye do the squicky dance, who makes you chew your cuticles, compulsively fix your hair, adjust your clothes, tap your foot, wring your hands.  That one who gives you a Parkinson’s patient worth of bodily ticks until the wave of emotion subsides.  You loved them, they stopped loving you – and since you asked, no, I don’t actually care what the mitigating circumstances were; the end result is the same.

Everybody knows relationships involve compromise and sharing; not only listening to, but hearing your partner.  No matter what type, or however many involved, good relationships should always reach a balance or equilibrium in order to stay afloat.  However, breakups are the only time when this concept gets tossed overboard – and then it’s every man or women for themselves.  Relationships are not a representative democracy – sure you get your say, but ultimately only one vote is needed.  It hurts like a bastard, no denying, and whilst in time you will heal, there are always going to be certain moments you feel those phantom pains where your loved one used to be.  None more so than when that particular ex moves on with another – especially when it involves the exchanging of vows.


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