I Wasn’t Paranoid Before; I Am Now

“Don’t cross your arms, it makes you look paranoid.”

Wait what.

I’m not paranoid. I immediately uncross my arms as if to prove my point. Holy shit, now how do I stand now? I guess shoulders back, chin up – that’s a tried and tested trope if one wishes to look confident. I adjust my stance to one of military precision. Well now I feel bloody conspicuous. Too rigid. Need to relax. Try to look casual. Yes that’s it, confident, casual – not at all paranoid. I lean back on one heal, with my other leg jutting out the side. What am I supposed to do with my bloody arms now? Can’t fold them, it makes me look paranoid, and one mustn’t be paranoid (apparently). Perhaps I’ll put one hand on my hip. No, got too much of a ‘my little teapot’ thing going on there. What did Angelina Jolie do with her arms when she was standing like this? Oh yeah I remember – she had Brad Pitt next to her, no one gave a fuck what she did with her damn arms. It was all about her leg and Brad Pitt. Is that they key to not looking paranoid? Not crossing your arms and Brad Pitt? Isn’t that just the social equivalent of jangling one’s keys to distract a baby?


The thing is, I wasn’t paranoid when I was standing there arms crossed, I was comfortable. After just competing in a little known sport known as ‘posture gymnastics’ I can tell you I now feel very paranoid.


Sits down, crosses arms – paranoid.