The Internet Says It’s Cancer

I have never claimed to be clumsy.  In fact I have never really understood the proud proclamation some make regarding their status as a klutz.  Its like a race to the bottom with these people.  However today forced me to ruminate on perhaps changing my accident status to ‘prone’.  This morning I woke up, all seemed well, until I stood up and a searing pain radiated from my tailbone.  Every little movement exacerbates it in some way.  I can’t sit, I can barely walk, bending down  – forget about it.  I wish I could tell you some cool/brave/harrowing story to go with this injury, but I can’t.  The best I can come up with is that I had the cheek get up out of bed today and was therefore punished for my audacity.

This is not the first time I have injured or hurt myself in a way that either defies explanation or logic.  Lying prostrate in bed today has given me time to mull over these incidents and forced me to concede that I am in fact *gulp* clumsy.

The following is a list of some of my more severe injuries and the absurd ways I got them…

  • I tore a disk in my lower back putting on a pair of pants.  I wasn’t in an accident or a fight, I was simply pulling up my pants – not even tight pants that I had no business being in, but sweat pants.  I also wasn’t at home, but in a change room getting redressed.  This injury did not go unnoticed by the staff so in a bid to ‘seem fine’ I bought the entire contents of my change room.  Never had it seemed that someone rung-up items so slowly.

    Spongebob has ripped his pants

    Unlike Spongebob, I did not rip my pants. Instead I ripped a disk in my back. I know which one I would have preferred.

  • I broke my nose doing a front sault.  This injury would be the catalyst for many future breaks of my nose.  I have broken my schnoz more times than a rugby player, however this was by far the worst of all the breaks.  Again, I wasn’t in an accident or a fight, the culprit was my very own knees!
  • I broke my nose flopping face first on my bed.
  • I broke my nose ‘Marcia style’ by taking a ball to the face in PE.
  • I lost a finger nail by dropping a box at work.  This is significant because I had to fill out an ‘incident report’ and was sent to the doctor.  Admittedly having a finger nail torn unwillingly (is it ever willingly?)from your finger hurts like a bastard and it takes years to ever grow right again.

    My nails have now fully recovered

    My nails have now fully recovered. Now they treat everyday like its a parade.

  • I dislocated my knee washing my Dad’s car.  He never asked me to do it again (strangely).  Given what it cost him in physiotherapy it might have been the world’s most expensive car wash.
  • I stubbed my toe approximately once a week for a year on the castor of my box-spring.  Given that we know how long I have had this bed, it is shocking I did it so often and with such regularity.  Eventually I broke my toe.
  • I sliced the bottom of my foot on an upturned high heel.  In my Dad’s eyes this was the perfect time to chastise me about my filthy room.  Never mind that due to the depth and length of the cut I couldn’t walk for about 2 weeks.
Text message to my boyfriend

This fall I graduated with a medical degree from Google University. GO THE CHROMES!!!!

I’m a habitual Googler.  I like to Google any and all that ails me.  I am simply curious about the human body, I like to know whats going on in there.  Yahoo Answers is my absolute favorite – there is no question I have ever asked that hasn’t been asked before.  It’s kind of beautiful in its way.  We are all the same, perplexed by the goings on in these sacks of meat we call bodies.

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6 thoughts on “The Internet Says It’s Cancer

  1. Ahahaha, I never thought of the ‘I’m so clumsy!’ game as a race to the bottom. Very good description. I must admit that I take part in this strange humblebragging, but only because I find it genuinely amusing that I manage to do things like punch myself in the face while doing the YMCA/poke myself in the eye with a breadstick while trying to flirt.

    Those are some varied and unusual ways to injure yourself that you’ve got there! I hope your back gets better soon, that sounds very unpleasant 😦 It’s ridiculous how easy it is to just move in slightly the wrong way and completely mess up your back.

    • I’m so precious with my back since I tore a disk. It was a real wake up call that I haven’t been looking after it. That’s why yesterday when my tailbone was hurting I was getting my freak out prepared and ready. Fortunately, it has considerably eased – not sure why. As I moved around more yesterday it started to loosen up.

      I can’t believe you poked yourself in they eye with a bread stick. The other day I went to take a drink of water and tipped it on myself. I have been pretty successfully feeding myself for a while and you just assume you know where your mouth is.

      I think a lot of my klutziness comes from trying to rush things. Also, I stubbed my toe last night – on the wheel of my bed. I need to live in a padded house.

  2. I’m glad it’s not just me who has issues with nose breaking!

    I too broke mine with my own knee – twice. Backwards somersault was one, and the second time I kneed myself I half-blame my brother. Even though it was my knee. The third time is too embarrassing to talk about!

    Hope your back feels better.

    • I am both glad and sorry to hear about your nose. I always blamed having a big nose for it ‘getting in the way’. I would love to get mine ‘fixed’, but I just know as soon as I do I am likely to bump it and ruin it all over again. Best to just leave it be and not tempt the fates.

      There needs to be a PSA for the dangers associated with somersaults. Although, thinking about the dangers are pretty obvious – not if you are a kid though.

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