I have never claimed to be clumsy. In fact I have never really understood the proud proclamation some make regarding their status as a klutz. Its like a race to the bottom with these people. However today forced me to ruminate on perhaps changing my accident status to ‘prone’. This morning I woke up, all seemed well, until I stood up and a searing pain radiated from my tailbone. Every little movement exacerbates it in some way. I can’t sit, I can barely walk, bending down – forget about it. I wish I could tell you some cool/brave/harrowing story to go with this injury, but I can’t. The best I can come up with is that I had the cheek get up out of bed today and was therefore punished for my audacity.
This is not the first time I have injured or hurt myself in a way that either defies explanation or logic. Lying prostrate in bed today has given me time to mull over these incidents and forced me to concede that I am in fact *gulp* clumsy.
The following is a list of some of my more severe injuries and the absurd ways I got them…
- I tore a disk in my lower back putting on a pair of pants. I wasn’t in an accident or a fight, I was simply pulling up my pants – not even tight pants that I had no business being in, but sweat pants. I also wasn’t at home, but in a change room getting redressed. This injury did not go unnoticed by the staff so in a bid to ‘seem fine’ I bought the entire contents of my change room. Never had it seemed that someone rung-up items so slowly.
- I broke my nose doing a front sault. This injury would be the catalyst for many future breaks of my nose. I have broken my schnoz more times than a rugby player, however this was by far the worst of all the breaks. Again, I wasn’t in an accident or a fight, the culprit was my very own knees!
- I broke my nose flopping face first on my bed.
- I broke my nose ‘Marcia style’ by taking a ball to the face in PE.
- I lost a finger nail by dropping a box at work. This is significant because I had to fill out an ‘incident report’ and was sent to the doctor. Admittedly having a finger nail torn unwillingly (is it ever willingly?)from your finger hurts like a bastard and it takes years to ever grow right again.
- I dislocated my knee washing my Dad’s car. He never asked me to do it again (strangely). Given what it cost him in physiotherapy it might have been the world’s most expensive car wash.
- I stubbed my toe approximately once a week for a year on the castor of my box-spring. Given that we know how long I have had this bed, it is shocking I did it so often and with such regularity. Eventually I broke my toe.
- I sliced the bottom of my foot on an upturned high heel. In my Dad’s eyes this was the perfect time to chastise me about my filthy room. Never mind that due to the depth and length of the cut I couldn’t walk for about 2 weeks.
I’m a habitual Googler. I like to Google any and all that ails me. I am simply curious about the human body, I like to know whats going on in there. Yahoo Answers is my absolute favorite – there is no question I have ever asked that hasn’t been asked before. It’s kind of beautiful in its way. We are all the same, perplexed by the goings on in these sacks of meat we call bodies.