Which is better: super-duper or ultra? Inquiring minds (mine) wish to know.
For my money, I am going with ultra. I guess because I equate ultra with ultimate, which by process of deduction would exclude anything other as being lesser. Whether or not, etymologically speaking, that is true or not is par for the course really as this is my impression, and impressions count if you are going to rank things: medium, super, super-duper, and ultra. To help you decide I should probably mention that these rankings refer to the ‘slimming level’ as determined by the good people at Spanx™. You see, while I am evenly proportioned, I would preferably like to smooth over the edges a bit – blur everything together if you will. I have hopes that by shaving off a few centimeters I may even fit back into some old clothes, which makes the purchasing of Spanx™ the more fiscal decision.
I’ve never owned a pair of Spanx™ or even a similar type of garment. I did once try one on… Well, that’s not true; I more wrestled with it in a tiny change cubicle for 15 minutes until it judo-chopped me the fuck out of there. I think I might have had the wrong size. Since that day I haven’t tried on anything tighter than a pair of sweat pants outside of the comfort of my own home. If anything tighter wants to encase my body it will do so on my turf; where I control the temperature, and have ample space – then we will see who wins. I do not abide by the saying ‘just because you can get it on doesn’t mean it fits’, like a LOLcat, if I fits, I sits.
I’m not a total fool (See footnote 7); I did learn something from my last tussle with shape wear, that is: measure. I simply cannot overstate this enough. If I recall correctly I grabbed a medium when I was in the department store. All I can say is “medium? pfft! Who are you trying to fool with your medium!?” According to the sizing chart I am at best an extra-large. My humiliating defeat is all starting to make sense. I have narrowed my choices down to two. They both are similar in appearance – sort of like a one-piece bathing suit with the bust-section missing. While they are similar in appearance (and presumably function), there are three notable distinctions:
- Price – for some reason there is a difference of thirty dollars between the two.
- Ultra V Super-duper – the ultra is cheaper, this perhaps suggest that is in fact super-duper with the most slimming power.
- The cheaper ultra option comes with imbedded ‘serum’ for some reason.
Despite my little internal tête-à-tête of ultra versus super-duper, I’ll probably choose the cheaper one because, really, isn’t that what all things eventually come down too?
 As you see, I have listed them in my perceived ranking of lowest to highest. The top two slots are still thoroughly up for debate.
 A heavenly, 44 – 32 – 44 thank you very much.
 I.e. look a little less lumpy, but you didn’t hear that from me.
 Who am I kidding? For eighty bucks these things better give me back the waist I had in high school.
 Justifications, I got ‘em!
 Seriously, I sweated all over that damn thing and was forever indebted to the almighty Horus that the retail girl was on the phone so I could put back the now sopping wet shame myself. Don’t ever shop with me is the moral of this story.
 Wait, what?
 If you are wondering why, after realizing the medium wouldn’t fit, that I didn’t go back and get a bigger size then you have never been a woman or been shopping with a woman. I hate to make gender-based accusations, but I think this one stays firm.
 Can you imagine the nipple burn?
 If this were a ranking system designed by kids, super-duper would obviously be the best.
 But free serum can only be a good thing, right? Right???
© cryinginthebathroom 2012