Free Serum, And Restricted Blood Flow To My Vital Organs? The Answer, Spanx™

Which is better: super-duper or ultra?  Inquiring minds (mine) wish to know.

For my money, I am going with ultra.  I guess because I equate ultra with ultimate, which by process of deduction would exclude anything other as being lesser.  Whether or not, etymologically speaking, that is true or not is par for the course really as this is my impression, and impressions count if you are going to rank things: medium, super, super-duper, and ultra[1].  To help you decide I should probably mention that these rankings refer to the ‘slimming level’ as determined by the good people at Spanx™.  You see, while I am evenly proportioned[2], I would preferably like to smooth over the edges a bit[3] – blur everything together if you will.  I have hopes that by shaving off a few centimeters[4] I may even fit back into some old clothes, which makes the purchasing of Spanx™ the more fiscal decision[5].

 

I’ve never owned a pair of Spanx™ or even a similar type of garment.  I did once try one on… Well, that’s not true; I more wrestled with it in a tiny change cubicle for 15 minutes until it judo-chopped me the fuck out of there.  I think I might have had the wrong size.  Since that day I haven’t tried on anything tighter than a pair of sweat pants outside of the comfort of my own home.  If anything tighter wants to encase my body it will do so on my turf; where I control the temperature[6], and have ample space – then we will see who wins.  I do not abide by the saying ‘just because you can get it on doesn’t mean it fits’, like a LOLcat, if I fits, I sits[7].

 

I’m not a total fool (See footnote 7); I did learn something from my last tussle with shape wear, that is: measure.  I simply cannot overstate this enough.  If I recall correctly I grabbed a medium when I was in the department store.  All I can say is “medium?  pfft! Who are you trying to fool with your medium!?” According to the sizing chart I am at best an extra-large.  My humiliating defeat is all starting to make sense[8].  I have narrowed my choices down to two.  They both are similar in appearance – sort of like a one-piece bathing suit with the bust-section missing[9].  While they are similar in appearance (and presumably function), there are three notable distinctions:

 

  • Price – for some reason there is a difference of thirty dollars between the two.
  • Ultra V Super-duper – the ultra is cheaper, this perhaps suggest that is in fact super-duper with the most slimming power[10].
  • The cheaper ultra option comes with imbedded[11]serum’ for some reason[12].

 

Despite my little internal tête-à-tête of ultra versus super-duper, I’ll probably choose the cheaper one because, really, isn’t that what all things eventually come down too?


[1] As you see, I have listed them in my perceived ranking of lowest to highest.  The top two slots are still thoroughly up for debate.

[2] A heavenly, 44 – 32 – 44 thank you very much.

[3] I.e. look a little less lumpy, but you didn’t hear that from me.

[4] Who am I kidding?  For eighty bucks these things better give me back the waist I had in high school.

[5] Justifications, I got ‘em!

[6] Seriously, I sweated all over that damn thing and was forever indebted to the almighty Horus that the retail girl was on the phone so I could put back the now sopping wet shame myself.  Don’t ever shop with me is the moral of this story.

[7] Wait, what?

[8] If you are wondering why, after realizing the medium wouldn’t fit, that I didn’t go back and get a bigger size then you have never been a woman or been shopping with a woman.  I hate to make gender-based accusations, but I think this one stays firm.

[9] Can you imagine the nipple burn?

[10] If this were a ranking system designed by kids, super-duper would obviously be the best.

[11] ?

[12] But free serum can only be a good thing, right? Right???

 

© cryinginthebathroom 2012

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11 thoughts on “Free Serum, And Restricted Blood Flow To My Vital Organs? The Answer, Spanx™

  1. Free serum? To help with chafing? To lubricate the suit to allow you to slide it off and on? Perhaps it’s to allow us to believe we are pampering our bodies rather than trying to squish them into a shape not really known to nature (except in natural genetic freaks).
    And where does the stuff you squeeze from one part of your body go? Does it pop out somewhere else? Like Popeye’s muscles?
    I would buy the smallest one I could get halfway into – 1. it stretches. Everyone knows things that stretch get, well, stretched. 2. by the time you have fought your way even half into one of those things, who has the energy to go through it again with the next size? 3. I probably couldn’t get the thing off again – so I had to buy it 😦
    You have given me so many laughs tonight. Good luck with the spanx! Hope you have a good night 🙂 xx

    • All this begs the question: how are you meant to go to the toilet? Seriously!!???

      The serum allegedly helps target problem areas (by wizard magic, one would assume), but whatevs, it’s cheaper!!

      In a limited amount of space those things are tough to get on. I don’t know where the extra fat goes, probably out the bottom and top of it giving you back boobs or something. I’m still on the website LOL

      • Oh dear, I never thought about the toilet….. perhaps you would just have to hold on for dear life rather than risk getting stuck half in and half out of your spanx, on the toilet seat, in a public place :/
        I kind of feel scared to even look this up on google – it sounds traumatic.

    • Glad you liked it. I loved your SJP post recently. As it happens I was never much of SJP fashion fan, but you posted a lot of pictures that I had never seen before, I am now converted. She is very unique. This will get you jealous… I totally met her!!! She was in Melbourne 2 years ago for this big race event (horses) and she was walking down the street (with a burly looking body guard a few paces behind her). It wasn’t really that exciting in that she was just going about her day, you know. No photographers were following her which probably helped her have a bit of anonymity on the streets.

      • NO! No, no,no,no! (stomping my feet here of jealousy of course!) You’ve seen my idol for real! Gosh, what did she wear? How was her hair? The bag? The shoes? Anything? I guess you were not paying much attention to someone so famous but unimportant to you, but next time – please do! I’d gossip about her forever. And again, DAMN – you are a lucky girl!
        xo

      • SJP is by far the most famous person I have ever seen in public. It was quite a sighting because she wasn’t surrounded, in fact, mostly going unnoticed, but it was a weekday morning in an area that is mostly cafes and boutique shops. I will give you the entire story…

        Okay, so my boyfriend and went out to get coffee at this nice local cafe (seriously the best coffee, I miss living near there). Anyway as we were leaving, she was walking towards us. There must have been a little bit of fuss to get our attention I suppose, but nothing major – no photographers or anything. So she walked past us, we were standing gaping in the doorway still. I said and hello, and she said hi, but kept walking of course. That was totally fine, I don’t want to bother her. It must be exhausting being a celebrity with everyone wanting a piece of you.

        As for what she was wearing/how she looked. Well she is sooooo petite, obviously. I’m not tall myself 5’3, but she seems so little because she is little all over. She looked a lot ‘fresher’ than what you see sometimes in magasines. I find she can look a little severe sometimes – that could be to do with make-up, lighting, whether she has had a goodnight sleep etc. But in my opinion IRL she looks pretty good for a 40ish year old. She was wearing minimal makeup – maybe none. Hair pulled loosely back into a low pony tail. She was wearing nice looking straight leg jeans, a navy or gray soft looking fitted t-shirt, she had charcoal coloured ankle boots on (not too high). Her handbag looked damn expensive – didn’t recognise it though, but I’m sure it cost more than my first car. Like I said, she kept walking, and behind her a little way was a big, burly body guard, dressed all in black, so at least she was safe from being harassed by anyone. Plus, the end of that street gets a bit dodgy, although I have no idea if she went down that far. But at least she would be safe.

        So that is my major celeb sighting. I wish I snapped a photo, but it was all over quick, plus I would hate to intrude on someone, you know?

      • Wowza! Thank you so much for sharing this! It’s like a candy for me! I’ve read it three times to truly imagine the whole scene. And she said “Hi”, how amazing is that? Lucky lucky lucky you! Also, I can’t imagine her life when every other girl is awing her as I do – must be exhausting. And even being her fastest fan, I doubt I could approach her IRL. I’d be stunned standing stiff and just blinking.

  2. I’ve lost some weight recently and I’m now kind of between sizes. I had to buy some clothes the other day and I thought I was going to freak out. I either need to gain a couple pounds, or lose a couple, or else I’ll go insane.

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